st. joe's was supposed to get beaten soundly by another team that proved they were better. st. joe's should've just been losing by fifteen with two minutes to go. they were supposed to be the little team that could, but just ran out of steam.

instead, all i know about what happened last night is that forty minutes was either not enough time, or about seven seconds too much time, to decide which was the better team.

my friend marcello described it best when he said, "i feel like i've just been dumped." i can't sum it up any better than that.

24 hours later, and i still keep thinking about the "what ifs." what if the guy for oklahoma st. who almost lost the ball, had been a split second later with his reflexes when he instinctually tapped the ball to his teammate? what if said teammate was just one more millimeter off on his mediocre quality shot, which did a tango with the rim before falling through? what if jameer had taken the wide open 3-pointer to win the game instead of the off balance, fade away shot to tie? what if...

marcello's comment is almost eerily perfect.

how many of us when we've been dumped haven't questioned ourselves? there are tons of "what ifs" that scurry through our heads. "what if i had been more attentive? what if i didn't take our relationship for granted? what if i hadn't videotaped that 3-way with her sister and her stepmom?"

well, i suppose some of us have more specific issues...

but my point is that this loss hurts. it hurts really badly. it hurts because i know that unless phil martelli can become a miracle worker and turn st. joe's into an elite program, that this was my best chance to see st. joe's climb to the top of the basketball world for all to see. once and for all, there would be no doubt as to how good a team this was. there would be no pity, no sorrow, and no "you gave it your best shot" consolation prize.

it's true that xavier, with their best player from last year having graduated, had quite a run themselves, also making it to the elite eight. but that is very rare. plus, st. joe's will not simply be losing it's best player. it will be losing two of its leaders and emotional spark plugs. jameer nelson's talent and leadership is unquestionable. but, as if that weren't bad enough, tyrone barley, the defensive stopper with immesurable heart, will also be gone.

next year's version of the hawks will undoubtedly be talented, and surely will win more games than they lose. they will again do the university and the city of philadelphia proud. however, st. joe's is not duke, or uconn, or kentucky. those schools' heartbreaking losses can be forgotten about soon after, because they don't rebuild, they reload. but for the hawks it will be back to normal, where just being invited to the ncaa tournament will be considered a success; and, short of another elite eight appearance, no matter how well they do, it will bring back all the good memories of this magical year, as well as the single most painful one and all the "what ifs" that can never be answered.

there are only sixteen teams left in the ncaa tournament, but who is going to win? well, i could tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. you're going to pick whatever team your political party wants you to. not sure who your party is backing? just look at my handy-dandy guide...

SYRACUSE ORANGEMEN vs. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE

republican pick: alabama
crimson tide? what a great movie! i love gene hackman and that colored guy.

democrat pick: syracuse
denzel is pretty dreamy in crimson tide, but alabama is on orange alert: high risk of getting an ass-whooping.

nader's raider pick: stanford cardinal
their mascot is a tree! go environment! besdies, why can't they win, just because they lost in the last round? vote for nader!

CONNECTICUT HUSKIES vs. VANDERBILT COMMODORES

republican pick: vanderbilt
um, helllllllloooooooo? the vanderbilt family is like, super rich. just like me.

democrat pick: uconn
the vanderbilts may be rich, but obviously they're not very smart. why would they name their sports teams after an out-of-date computer?

republican rebuttal:
at least they didn't name their team after a bunch of fat kids.

nader's raider pick: louisiana-lafayette ragin' cajuns
they lost too? who cares? they're the ragin' cajuns! their name rhymes just like ours does! hehe... vote for nader!

DUKE BLUE DEVILS vs. ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI

republican pick: illinois
blue devils? the republican party thinks that is promoting satanic rituals. in fact, we are putting duke university on the "axis of evil" list. besides, those indians are cute, with their teepees and stuff. plus, we get money from all those casinos. ROCK! (but softly)

democrat pick: duke
i've got news for you. indians don't shoot arrows anymore. they shoot dice. devils, on the other hand, still have pitchforks.

nader's raider pick: murray state racers
the racers? hey, we're in the presidential "race". what a co-inky-dink! they don't have to win, they just need 5%! vote for nader! besides, those indians can't win, they let people smoke tobacco... in public!

XAVIER MUSKATEERS vs. TEXAS LONGHORNS

republican pick: texas
texas?!? yee-ha! our president is from texas! the stars at night, are big and bright...

democrat pick: xavier
tex-ass is more like it! we like the muskateers. all for one and one for all! we represent the people, yay! um, except we're not gonna tell you how we feel about certain issues until after you've already voted for us. woo hoo! go kerry!

nader's raider pick: louisville cardinals
lousiville... kentcuky... appalachia... tree-hugging liberals! see, we knew there was a conncection there somewhere! vote for nader! what do you mean we keep picking teams that already lost?

ALABAMA-BIRMINGHAM BLAZERS vs. KANSAS JAYHAWKS

republican pick: kansas
sorry, we don't like things that are flaming.

democrat pick: uab
stop squirming. their mascot is a fire breathing dragon, and it doesn't want to marry you.

nader's raider pick: florida a&m rattlers
yay florida! we did real good in that state the last time! i heard that one of the other candidates had some problems there, though. i hope it wasn't because of us! vote for nader!

GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS vs. NEVADA WOLFPACK

republican pick: georgia tech
nevada is a place of sin. what with all their money, and prostitutes, and drugs, and late night parties. it's a good thing OUR president doesn't know anything about THAT. now please allow me to read you a passage from...

democrat pick: nevada
why don't you shove that bible up your ass, pal. all that preaching nonsense is enough to make me lose my cosmopolitan all over the texas hold 'em table. hey, why don't you sit down and join me for a hand or two?

republican rebuttal:
i really shouldn't.

several hours later, up in the democrat's hotel room

republican:
hey, why is there white powder coming out of that envelope? is that anthrax? what is gary hart doing here?

democrat:
laughing heartily. no that's not anthrax, just take a little and rub it on your gums. gary is in charge of the entertainment. you like lap dances, right?

nader's raider pick: valparaiso crusaders
maybe we should change our name to nader's crusaders! yippee! vote for nader! ow! stop hitting me!

OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS vs. PITTSBURGH PANTHERS

republican pick: pitt
i'll bet you're surprised. you probably thought we'd pick oklahoma state. but pittsburgh is the steel city, and we like to steal things. like elections.

democrat pick: oklahoma st.
our party is officially changing its symbol from the jackass to the marlboro man. we figure it's an even trade, but this way we get free smokes. ya-hoo!

nader's raider pick: south carolina gamecocks
for some reason a lot of people have been calling us "cocks" lately. i wonder what that means? oh well, vote for nader!

SAINT JOSEPH'S HAWKS vs. WAKE FOREST DEMON DEACONS

republican pick: st. joe's
what, you think we're stupid?

democrat pick: st. joe's
obviously st. joe's is the best team in the tournament and will win it all.

nader's raider: liberty flames
liberty! yay! vote for n-- slow and painful death by severe strangulation


so there you have it. now you know what teams too root for based on your political views. if you have any other questions or concerns, such as, who to vote for in the presidential election, the answer, of course, is pimento loaf.

normally i don't talk about politics much. this is not because i don't have opinions. i just don't have very educated opinions. i am one of those people that still has ideals and principles and really wants to believe that this is what politics is about.

of course, i am kidding myself. it doesn't really matter what i believe in. whenever anything goes wrong, there is no real way of knowing who to believe and who is full of horse-pucky. chances are, everyone involved is telling some truth, but once the finger pointing starts, it all sounds like bullshit.

september 11, for example. democrats blame bush and his hard-on for saddam. republicans blame faulty intelligence and say that even if they were able to find and kill osama that the attacks still would have happened. democrats criticize bush as a puppet president who's "war on terrorism" is a farce, citing outcry against the u.s. to show how most of the rest of the world hates us. republicans laud bush for his strong leadership and his relentless pursuit of osama bin laden, citing the "coalition of the willing" as reason to believe we have many friends in the world.

how about the economy? every time a republican is in office and the economy goes into a tail spin (which is EVERY time a president is named BUSH) democrats blame the republicans. republicans blame the democrats and say "it was this way when we found it."

honestly, i more often side with the democrats than the republicans. but, it doesn't really matter. aren't they both full of bologna? who's to say why the economy is so piss poor? bush denies it, and says that the economy is rebounding. right, the economy is rebounding about as well as a parapalegic midget would vs. shaq.

on the other hand, while i would love to blame bush's iraq agenda (please don't try to tell me that bush didn't have a big ol' boner when he took office, thinking about how he could get saddam out of power), clinton has got to be blamed a lot more than he is, because the terrorists who entered this country did so while he was still president.

of course, these are my opinions. is there really anything factual that is credible that i can use to defend any of my positions? well, i guess that depends on what you define as "credible." personally, i find it hard to believe much of anything.

even dick clarke is being discredited. republicans are saying that he's just trying to sell books. if you're a republican, you believe that. if you're a democrat, you call "bullshit!" if you're neither, you let out a big sigh, flip the channel, and hope for something more entertaining on the food network or, better yet, cinemax.

what does all of this mean? it means that while too many people will sit here and analyze this crap to death over the next few months, i am saying that it makes no difference. you are going to believe what you want to believe. for instance, i believe that george w. bush is pure, concentrated evil. i don't like his connections to the oil-rich saudi royal family (you mean, you didn't know he is "best buds" with the saudi prince?). i don't like his ties to the enron corporation, which is undoubtedly why the incarceration of this country's most heinous criminals is sprinting along with all the speed of a slug sliming it's way through pancake syrup.

that's how i feel. it's a biased opinion based on what little information i know, and that's because i don't think that having more information would necessarily help me make a better decision.

veterans stadium is gone. if you want to read a fuzzy, warm-hearted rambling in remembrance of the vet, please check out marcello's blog. not being from philadelphia, i don't have too many nice things to say about the vet. everybody knows what a hole it was. but, i guess i can see why marcello feels the need to wax poetic about it. after all, my favorite team in all of sports moved out of my home state.

the whalers were one of the most hapless teams in pro sports. they lost the first seven games i went to in person. they didn't make the playoffs their last six years in hartford. but i was heartbroken when they left town. heck, i still am, and i'm not the only one.

so, i get it.

hey, i had some fun at the vet myself. i went to dozens of games there. those $8 seats were just fine with me, and they went even better with the $1 hot dogs on "dollar dog" days. damn it if those games weren't fun. of course, i did have one miserable vet experience. i will just say that if you ever think that it's a good idea to go see a baseball game in humid 90 degree weather after you've been up all night shrooming, well, it's not. don't do it. trust me on this one.

my memories from the vet are not extensive, but they are positive. however, that being said, it was time for that ugly thing to come down. i can't wait to go see a game at the new park, although i'm sure i will have to stay in the seat i pay for. what kind of crap is that, huh? that's ok, this is the phillies, after all. their success can't last very long. then it'll be just like old times...

fargo

it was several years since i last watched fargo. i popped it into my dvd player the other night, and reintroduced myself to this great flick.

if you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and go rent or buy it right now.

well, what are you waiting for? stop reading this and go get it!

if you're like me and haven't seen it in a while, then sit down and watch it. you'll be happy you did.

this movie is the coen brothers at their absolute best. what other directors can make me laugh so hard about a real life chain of murders? it's not just that i'm sick in the head. it's that this movie is brilliant and acted perfectly. it's hilarious.

fargo definitely gets an A.

my blue heaven

a classic steve martin comedy. most people who i know have probably seen this movie, but if not, you should. it's steve martin being steve martin. if you're italian and you haven't seen this movie, it's pretty much a crime.

as much as i love this movie, it does have one problem. the absolute worst baseball park movie scene ever.

other than that, though, this movie is very funny in a much less dark and twisted way than fargo. that doesn't make it better or worse, necessarily. just depends on what kind of mood you're in.

my blue heaven gets a B- overall, but for a comedy, it's a B+/A-

ed wood

why did it take people so long to figure out that johnny depp is a kick-ass actor? ed wood is one of the best films that a lot of people never saw. the movie does justice to one of hollywood's most famous characters.

the movie is funny, strange, and satirical. even the touching moments are written and acted with wit and purpose, rather than seeming forced and overdramatized.

johnny depp, martin landau, and bill murray all give insanely good performances, and make this movie interesting from start to finish.

ed wood gets an A.

ah yes, four solid days of college basketball is over. wait, what did you think the title meant? you're a sick bastard, you know that?

well, my pool was looking really great until the last group of games on the last days of the first and second rounds. friday night i had only gotten one game wrong out of the first 29. then i lost two out of the last three. still, 29 out of 32 is pretty damned good.

tonight, i was 9-4 with three games remaining in the second round. of course, i lost the last three games. fucking wisconsin.

it's all right. i put myself through this torture every year. and every year i am convinced that this will be the year i finally win whatever pool i'm in and make some money. well, i do still have a chance. with all the upsets going on, it really is anyone's tournament right now. and, since i still have all of my final four teams alive, i'm still in pretty decent shape.

honestly, i would even give up the $1500 that i would win, if i could see st. joe's take the whole damned thing.

speaking of which, i would like to now take the time to point out the following using all capital letters for emphasis:

ST. JOE'S IS IN THE SWEET 16. STANFORD IS SUCKING ON RHINOCEROS PENIS.

if you happen to be reading this, and you know a west coast sports writer, or if you just know some obnoxious idiot who has been screaming about how great stanford is and how much st. joe's sucks, please direct them to my blog.

of course, i don't know for a fact that stanford's basketball team actually has access to rhino dick, but trust me, if they did, they'd be slurping away.

go st. joe's, and go georgia tech, duke, and uconn. i want to cash in this year.

fuck

fuck...

FUCK!!!!!!!!!

st. joe's. what the hell?

i guess if you're gonna lose, lose big, right?

st. joe's got humiliated today by xavier. they lost 87-67. that's pretty bad, but it's worse because at one point they were losing by 37. yes, THIRTY-SEVEN.

i mean, i don't even know what to say. here is a team that is ranked #1 and is undefeated, and they would've lost to st. joe's prep tonight.

i am going to forget about it. i imagine that's how stanford fans felt when stanford got squished by washington. not much else you can do except chalk it up as a freak occurrance and move on to the next game.

if you look at the cold, hard numbers, st. joe's never had a chance. xavier shot over 71% from the field. that's an a-10 tournament record. st. joe's shot just under 35%.

i don't know what happened. i couldn't watch the game because it wasn't on tv here.

thank god.

i now take solace in the fact that st. joe's has neither the pressure of going undefeated or being #1. in fact, as much as i hated to see them lose, and play so horribly in defeat, i am relieved to see that they no longer have this cloud hanging over them.

the critics are happy. st. joe's lost. they will not be number one.

teams in the tournament will now think that they can beat st. joe's, and that is a good thing. they will look at xavier's win and will now underestimate st. joe's talent. st. joe's might as well be 14-14 instead of 27-1, because that is what the next couple teams are going to think about them.

i promise you, they will be disappointed.

st. joe's will win their next game, and the one after.

i will listen to st. joe's critics with a smile on my face, but trust me, the grin will be a shit-eating one.

JUST CALL ME DUMBASS

i was thinking tonight (which is always a bad sign). i'm smart. the problem is that i'm not smart enough.

i'm intelligent enough to question things that should be questioned by more people on this planet, and specifically, in this country. the problem is, i'm not smart enough to come up with the answers or solutions. additionally, i'm lazy. therefore, i don't actually search for answers to the questions that bother me. and the reason those questions bother me is because i can't figure out the answers to them. you can see where this is going... at least, i hope so, because i have no idea.

shall i go on? i'd rather not. how about if i just let you ponder other people's stupidity instead...


TODD BERTUZZI SUCKS

anyone who has watched at least five minutes of espn in the past couple days, has probably seen the abominable cheap shot that todd bertuzzi of the vancouver canucks laid out on steve moore of the colorado avalanche. if you haven't, just turn on your television. i've seen it about fifty times now, and i'm not exaggerating. it was one of the most deplorable things i've ever seen in sports. in case you have no idea what i'm talking about, bertuzzi skated up behind moore and grabbed his jersey. then bertuzzi wound up his right arm, and sucker punched moore in the side of the face. that's bad enough. but then, as moore started falling to the ice, bertuzzi grabbed moore just above his shoulders and drove him into the ice, face first.

moore was unconscious, and, luckily, not dead. he was carted off on a stretcher and is currently in the hospital. he has a broken neck and spinal cord injuries, but, so far, the prognosis is good.

bertuzzi was upset with moore because two weeks ago he hit bertuzzi's teammate, markus naslund, and injured him. naslund missed three games. so, rather than just fight moore, which one of bertuzzi's teammates had already done earlier in the game, bertuzzi decided to intentionally injure him.

the buzz is now whether bertuzzi should be suspended for the rest of the regular season, through the playoffs, or all the way into next season.

i'd like to see him gone for at least a year. i wouldn't have a problem if it was more than that.


WOULD YOU LIKE THAT IN TWENTIES?

a woman in georgia (surprise!) went into a wal-mart and tried to
pay with a one million dollar bill.

yes, this is for real. no, i'm not joking.

the funniest part of this act of dumbocracy, is not her ignorance to the fact that most millionaires do not have mullets or shop at wal-mart, nor is it that she only tried to buy $1700 worth of merchandise, nor is it her ignorance to the fact that there is no such thing as a million dollar bill. it is that somewhere in her brain, she actually believed that the cashier would be able to make $998,300 in change. i mean, there is no conceivable way that one million dollars would fit into a cash register drawer. does she not understand that physical objects take up space? when she's at home and she's filling up a glass with water, does she understand that when the glass is almost full she's supposed to shut the water off? or does she start freaking out, going "oh no! what do i do?!? how am i gonna drink all this water!?!"

the answer is neither. she actually floods the whole trailer park.

apparently she would rival, in intelligence, the roast beef sandwich i ate today for lunch. actually, that wouldn't be very fair to the sandwich, which, by the way, was very tasty.


SWEET! 17 YEAR OLD GIRLS ARE OKAY!

a judge in florida ruled that girls gone wild could not get in trouble for filming a seventeen year old girl flashing her breasts. not because she lied about her age and they thought she was eighteen, but because florida's child porn laws say that there must be physical contact in order for it to be considered sexual conduct.

therefore, an underage girl flashing her breasts is a-okay! awesome, now pass me the k-y please...


STUPID ASSHOLE MORONS

i was bartending last night. these two guys came in near the end of the night and had a few drinks at the bar. they were there a good thirty minutes after everyone else was gone. they saw all of the following people leave, and heard me say goodbye to all of them loudly: the other two waiters, the two busboys, a manager, all of the other customers, and the entire kitchen staff. they saw the dishwasher wheel out a massive pile of garbage bags. they watched me clean and restock the entire bar. yet, it wasn't until i turned out the lights in the dining rooms that they said to me, "oh, are you closing? are we the last ones in here?"

it was so stupid, i walked up behind one of the guys, and punched him in the side of the face, and then grabbed his neck and drove him into the marble bar top face first. no, wait, that's what todd bertuzzi would do if he was bartending. my mistake.


I REALLY COULD PISS IN A KEG AND NOBODY WOULD KNOW...

i bartended for a private party on monday night. a financial consultant firm was having their annual st. patrick's day party. these people are big drinkers. they do a lot of business with the restaurant. anyway, i tapped all three kegs of beer, but the tap for the budweiser was broken, so they were limited to bass or amstel light. there were about 150 people at this party, and at least 50 of them were drinking the amstel. well, it turns out that the lines had gotten crossed and it was the tap for the amstel that wasn't working, which means the stupid fuckers were drinking budweiser all night long, and not one single person complained.


OH, AND BY THE WAY... DIGGER PHELPS SUCKS, BUT STANFORD SWALLOWS. ST. JOE'S IS OFFICIALLY #1...

i had a long day today, and i don't have much to say. stanford pulled an unbelievable win out of their cornholio a couple nights ago, and i only hope that my beloved hawks meet them in the ncaa finals. then we can decide this once and for all...

it's time i give props (yeah, i just used the word "props..." you wanna step to me, bitch?) to matt, marcello, and andrew. all of their blogs can be accessed via the links on the right. i'd insert them into this posting, but it's 3:45 in the morning, and my brain is starting to think things like, "if i ate nothing but corn for like a week straight, would it be possible to have a bright yellow bowel movement?"

that's when i know it's better to stop writing and go to bed, and it's certainly better for you to go check out their blogs rather than continue reading here...

ok, i was going to wait to write about St. Joe's and their dominance of college basketball this year, but i've decided that now is the time.

i am sick and tired of hearing analysts say that St. Joe's isn't as good as Stanford. i am sick and tired of reading article after article about how St. Joe's isn't going to make it past the sweet 16. and i am especially sick and tired of having to defend St. Joe's every time someone argues that they haven't played any decent teams.

so, if you are someone who believes that SJU isn't a legitimate contender to reach the final four, i am about to show you why you are a fucking asshole, figuratively speaking, of course.

i apologize in advance for the swearing, but i'm pissed off.

let's start with Stanford. i am not going to deny that Stanford is every bit as good, and possibly a little better, than the Hawks. i have seen them play, and they are very talented, and play well as a team. they also do not have the inside weaknesses that SJU has. however, to be fair, their guards, while good, are not jameer nelson and delonte west.

Stanford plays in the Pac-10, the 9th ranked conference. St. Joe's plays in the A-10, the 8th ranked conference. that would seem to favor SJU, but, in truth, Stanford played everyone in their conference twice, while SJU, in the weaker division in the A-10, only faced Dayton, Xavier, Richmond, and George Washington once. also against their favor, they played very weak Fordham and St. Bonaventure teams twice.

outside of the conference, here are Stanford's "quality" wins: @Rice, (N) Kansas, UNLV, (N) Gonzaga
outside of the conference, here are St. Joe's "quality" wins: (N) Gonzaga, @Boston U, Boston College, (N) Drexel,
(N) California, Pacific, @Villanova

now, you can sit here and nitpick that Boston U, Drexel, and Pacific are not perennial powerhouses in college basketball, and i will not argue with you. however, i will kick your ass, if necessary, to make you realize that Boston U is 23-4 overall, and 17-1 in their conference, and has an RPI of 68. oh, and by the way, after starting the season 0-3 (losing at home against St. Joe's, @Holy Cross, and @Boston College), they are 23-1, with one of those wins coming @Michigan. Drexel's RPI is 91, has a record of 18-9, and is a cross town rival, so they qualify, whether you like it or not. if you don't like it, then take away Stanford's home win against UNLV, because UNLV's RPI is 90 (yes, one point above Drexel), and their 14-11 record isn't all that impressive. finally, i'll defend Pacific. Pacific is 19-7 overall, and 15-1 in the Big West. their RPI is 67. oh, by the way, they've won 11 in a row and beaten nationally ranked Utah St., in addition to having a quality win over Nevada earlier this year.

honestly, as far as Stanford goes, i'm not going to kill anyone who thinks they are a little better than St. Joe's. as you can see, both teams have strong cases.

it's the people who claim that St. Joe's isn't worthy of smelling Stanford's jock strap who have me enraged.

mr. bayless is either ridiculously unqualified to be analyzing college basketball, or he is fucking Stanford's mascot. what is that thing? their team nickname is the Cardinal, yet their mascot is a giant tree with blow-job-lips. a particularly disturbing aspect of the above-linked-to article is when mr. tree-humper says that St. Joe's has only beaten one tournament team, Gonzaga. gee, that's funny, because according to ESPN's bracketology report, St. Joe's has beaten five: Boston U, Boston College, Dayton, Richmond, and Gonzaga. additionally, SJU has beaten three "bubble" teams in Xavier, George Washington, and Pacific. so, that means SJU has beaten eight teams that are, at the very least, potential tournament teams. Stanford has beaten just five (only three of which are in the tournament as of today).

as far as SJU's non-conference schedule goes, i dare you to find a team that has played a better one. oh, wait, you can't, because they have the #1 ranked non-conference schedule. and while you cry about how St. Joe's hasn't played any of the big boys, you fail to realize that the worst team SJU played on it's non-conference schedule was against #128 Delaware. what's more? SJU played them at Delaware! by the way, SJU won by 21. in fact, how many home games do you think the Hawks played in their own building against non-conference opponents? well, out of those eleven games, SJU played exactly three in their own building. how many top ranked teams do you know of that are willing to go to #101 Old Dominion and play on their court? that's disaster waiting to happen. just out of interest, in case you were curious (and even if you weren't), of the nine non-conference games that Stanford played, five were at home. i'm sure those games against #309 Harvard, who is 4-21, and #310 Florida International, who is 3-22 and just finished the worst season in school history, proved just how much better Stanford really is.

as for not getting past the sweet 16, well, i guess time will have to tell. but, i have this feeling like there are going to be a lot of sports writers out there who are going to be eating Cardinal along with their crow.

it was a brisk, but pleasant, early march day in connecticut today. after a few hours of the normal mindless tedium, i needed out. outside, that is. i'm not sure what inspired me to go to the driving range and hit some golf balls, but it was of no significance. i didn't care why i thought of it, only that i had.

in four minutes i was at my destination. i wasn't sure if the driving range was open, but i looked around the empty building and noticed a yellow banner affirming me it was. the half snow-covered and almost entirely muddy parking lot made me doubt said banner. were it not for the two cars strategically parked in a small, dry, gravel covered portion of the lot, i surely would have gone back home.

i grabbed my clubs, two irons and two woods, and headed over to the "shack," for lack of a better description, to get my bucket of golf balls. there was, of course, nobody else at the range except for the two employees, both fleece clad and playing basketball on a crooked, rusty rim which was too close to the ground and nailed to the side of the shack.

i paid the guy five dollars for a bucket of balls, and selected my spot. as i lined up the first ball, it occurred to me that i had forgotten how to swing a golf club correctly. so i just swung away, hoping for the best.

the ball skipped away along the ground.

having no semblence of what i might be doing wrong (or right, for that matter), i thought, "eh, i'll remember eventually."

the next fifteen to twenty shots all followed in the footsteps of the first.

finally i hit a ball in the air, although not very far. i watched it all the way until it fell straight down, where it splatted into the ground. right after that, a strong chilling breeze reminded me that it was winter, and that a black t-shirt, no matter how much sun i hoped it would soak up, is still a t-shirt... and that i am a moron who was playing golf in a t-shirt in winter on a windy, overcast, fifty degree day.

my idiocy now apparent, i kept swinging cluelessly. slowly and steadily, less of my shots skimmed over grass and mud, and more of them were airborne, and i thought to myself, "man, i suck at golf."

i finished up and handed the empty bucket back to the the guy behind the counter, and i swear he was laughing at me internally. when he said, "thanks, man," he might as well have said, "what the hell is wrong with you you dumb-assed retard?" but, that wouldn't have been a very nice thing to say, so "thanks, man" sounded good to me.

regardless, i got into my car feeling good about the fact that i got out of the house. then i turned on the radio and heard mike and the mad dog talking about the steroids controversy in baseball, and i thought, "i should probably write a blog about this."

well, you just read it.