11.09.2008

facebook makes me feel funny in my bathing suit area 

My blog is now on facebook. Maybe this will make me write more often. I've only been threatening to do this for about 3 years now...
Posted by: jg / 11:01 AM  /  /

11.08.2008

the fools of chivalry 

Apparently, Esquire magazine recently published an article entitled "Dating Etiquette: How to Navigate the First Date". It was also apparently written by someone who either last went out on a date in 1963, or learned everything they know about sex from watching "It's the Great Vagina, Charlie Brown!".

Thankfully, I'm here to offer some helpful corrections.

So, without further ado, I present to you:

Dating Etiquette: How to Navigate the First Date

Follow these modern-chivalry dating tips to give her a gentlemen's impression she'll never forget.

By Esquire

The first date can be a disaster if you do it wrong. From the predate to the follow-up, keep in mind this six-step dating guide on how to do it right.

1. The Predate
  • Dress for the occasion, but more important, dress to show respect. Reminder: It's still better to overdress.
Where exactly are you going on the first date? I mean, dress to show respect? Unless you're gonna wear your "The Price is Wrong, Bitch" t-shirt, I think you're gonna be fine. It's not better to overdress. That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. If you wear a shirt and tie to Olive Garden you're retarded. Of course, if you go to Olive Garden to begin with, you're a moron, but I digress...
  • Easy on the cologne. Avoid novelty ties. Arm yourself with the tools of modern chivalry.
First of all, avoid ties altogether. You shouldn't be going somewhere on a first date which requires ties. Second, you shouldn't even own any novelty ties to begin with. What the hell is wrong with you? And what the @($! are the "Tools of Modern Chivalry?!?!" Oh, man, this should be good...

The Tools of Chivalry

You never know when you’ll be called to kindness. So prepared yourself for modern-day knighthood.

Handkerchief
Good for: When she spills her drink, starts to cry, or needs to be blindfolded for a surprise.
Also good for: Folding stylishly into your breast pocket.

Um... I don't know about you, but I'm going to avoid blindfolding the girl on the first date. Surprisingly enough, some girls might find this uncomfortable. Shocking, I know. Also, why are you making her cry on your first date? I doubt handing her a used napkin is gonna get you out of that mess.

Lighter
Good for: Lighting her cigarette or scented candles around her bathtub.
Also good for: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" encore.

Scented candles? I'm gonna carry a lighter on me at all times in case I need to light Maple Nut fucking Crunch candles? And, wait, Every Rose Has Its Thorn? Really?? That's the best you can do? You might as well be playing Huey Lewis and the motherfucking News. Power of Love. Instant girl on your balls.

Pen
Good for: Jotting down her number.
Also good for: Scribbling pictures of the two of you riding horses together on cocktail napkins.

Hmm... you should probably already have her phone number if you're out on a date with her. Just thought I'd mention that in case you're a total blockhead. A pen is also good for jamming into your eye socket in case she keeps going on about her recent shopping trip to Express.

Breath Strips
Good for: Keeping yourself approachable after a little crab dip.
Also good for: Her breath.

Hey there, Alpo breath. How about a Skittle? Yeah, you're gonna want a Skittle.

Umbrella
Good for: Keeping her dry during a storm.
Also good for: Improvised musical numbers.

That's right, who gives a shit about you. Keep HER dry. Or, instead, you could both not be pussies and play in the rain and have fun.

2. The Pickup
  • Be on time.
"Sorry I'm late, I was just finishing up Freebird on Guitar Hero. You know how LONG that song is?"
  • Go to the door.
"HONK! HONK! HONK!......... HOOOONNNNKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This is apparently how people in my neighborhood pick up their dates. It's not annoying or anything.
  • Do not bring flowers -- it's outdated. You may, however, bring a small, thoughtful gift that you did not purchase from Wicks 'n' Sticks or B. Dalton Bookseller.
That's right. It's outdated. Unlike all the other advice on here!

3. The Drive
  • If you're taking a cab, you should open the door for her, give the directions, and pay.
Why don't I just drive the cab while I'm at it?
  • While amusing, avoid that bit where you go and then stop and pretend to drive away without her.
Umm... what? Am I missing something here?
  • No music -- try talking.
WHAT??? SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC! I'LL TURN IT DOWN AS SOON AS EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN IS OVER!
  • If you find the ensuing silence unbearable, you may put on music, but avoid the following: a) talk radio; b) anything in which R. Kelly describes something overtly about intimacy; c) playlists consisting entirely of songs that feature her name.
Also avoid emulating R Kelly in the bedroom. Do not urinate on the girl the first time you have sex.

4. The Restaurant
  • Open the door for her. In case of revolving doors, you go first.
Do NOT let her go first through revolving doors. NO!!! What are you doing?!? Aww... that's it. You fucking blew it man. Might as well have jizzed in her eye.
  • Wait until she's seated to take your seat. At fancier joints, it's the waiter's job to help her with her chair, not yours.
But, if you do end up helping her with her chair, feel free to deduct from the waiter's tip.
  • Never order for her. And never present a coupon to the waiter while saying, "And the lady will have something of equal or lesser value."
But, if you do, be sure to follow up that comment with, "Dude, look at this broad. Do you think she's worth the fuckin' lobster? I don't think so."
  • Sharing food: If she suggests it, you're doing it.
I wouldn't fight this one. She's gonna order the most expensive shit anyway, so you might as well get to eat it too.
  • Pay. If she offers to help, say something sincere like, "It's my pleasure," not something you think is witty, like, "I'll consider this a down payment for later, if you know what I mean!"
Instead, say something like, "You know, if you sleep with me later, this kind of makes you like Julia Roberts in that prostitute movie!" Girls love Pretty Woman.

5. The Walk
  • Walk at her pace.
Feel free to smack her in the ass if you need her to pick up the pace.
  • Tradition dictates that you should walk on the outside of her to avoid puddle splashes and runaway carriages, but feel free to disregard this unless your date takes place in Colonial Williamsburg (not advised).
Yes, girls hate it when you walk next to the street. There's nothing chivalrous about that at all. Also, when you have kids, make sure you let them run around in the middle of the road. Your wife will totally approve.
  • Offer her your arm. It's chivalrous and also a good way to initiate contact.
If she touches your arm, you know what else she'll be touching later... HELLOOO
  • Be a man. Make your move. May God be with you.
Remember... "no" means "yes".
  • You're not going inside. Unless she suggests it.
If she doesn't suggest it, feel free to go sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

6. Following Up
  • No texting. Call the next day. Two days, tops.
Survey says? BRRRRRRRHHHHH. Wrong again, idiot. Texting the next day to say you had a good time is actually a great idea. It doesn't put any pressure on her. Then call her the next day.
  • If she answers the phone, thank her for a great night and schedule a second date.
Works better if you can tell her that after you wake up next to her.
  • If you get voice mail, thank her and ask her to call you back.
Or leave a message saying that one of her relatives just got run over by a car and you don't know if they're gonna make it. Then say "GOTCHA!" Girls love a guy with a sense of humor.
  • If she answers the phone "Sam's Pizza" and pretends you've got the wrong number, all bets are off.
If she gives you the number for Sam's Pizza, show her how much you appreciate her suggestion by sending a dozen pies to her house.
Posted by: jg / 7:38 PM  /  /

8.25.2008

take my test 

I made a Hartford Whalers test. You should take it.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-hartford-whalers-test
Posted by: jg / 1:08 PM  /  /

8.17.2008

don't call it a comeback 

You know what pisses me off? People who insist on using flavored liquors for every drink that contains said flavor. They'll use espresso vodka in an espresso martini. Citrus vodka in a cosmopolitan. Lime flavored tequila in a margarita. And so on.

The problem is, when you do that, you're FUCKING UP the drink. A cosmo is plain vodka, triple-sec (which is orange flavored), lime juice, and a twist of lemon for a garnish. The cranberry juice is for color ONLY. Thus, you have the three main citrus flavors: lemon, lime, orange. Now, when you use an orange vodka, or a citron vodka, or something fucking stupid like that, you totally mess up the drink and make it taste exclusively like that one flavor.

All it really takes is a basic understanding of the ingredients. Now, if you want to make a cosmo and doctor it up a bit, that's fine. You could throw a splash of grapefruit juice in there or use a grapefruit vodka in addition to the other ingredients. That would be nice. But it's not a cosmo. It's a quasmo. Or whatever other look-at-me-I'm-clever name you want to give it.

But you shouldn't be messing with stuff until you know how to make the original one right.

Then again, what do I know. This is a country of people who like everything to be the Mac 'N CHEESIEST!!! God dammit, people.

The margarita is also another one of those drinks that people just can't seem to master. Why are you putting orange juice in there?!? I'm gonna take that pour bottle and shove it up your rectum. Don't you dare put fucking orange juice in my margarita.

It's just annoys me that there are a lot of bad bartenders out there. Even at the tequila bar in downtown New Haven, there is only one bartender there that I trust with making my margaritas. They are perfect every time. The other bartenders couldn't make chocolate fucking milk, let alone a margarita.
Posted by: jg / 3:34 PM  /  /

8.16.2008

Ch-irony 

Does anyone find something incredibly strange about the fact that, in Beijing, China, they are playing beach volleyball and blasting Rage Against the Machine over the loudspeakers?

The end of the world is coming soon. I'm pretty sure of it.
Posted by: jg / 7:24 PM  /  /

11.02.2007

in case anyone reads this in the next 24 hours or so... 

Please go here and show your support for the Whalers by voting for them in the logo championships!

They're only 65 votes behind with one day left in the voting!!

We can win this thing!

Oh... and also... A-Rod can suck my balls.

Go Whale!
Posted by: jg / 1:46 PM  /  /

4.16.2007

action heroes like the nhl too! 

here at rtw, we always (and by "always" i mean when i used to keep this blog updated on a regular basis) try to give you your sports with a side of pop culture.

here, then, for your reading pleasure, are the NHL playoff teams that movie action hero characters would be rooting for, if they were, in fact, real people:

seth gecko - new jersey devils: seth kicked some vampire ass in "from dusk till dawn," and he'll be kicking the asses of the devils' front office if they lose in the first round after firing their coach with only 4 games left in the regular season. too bad there isn't a bar in new jersey called the "titty twister," though.



captain jack sparrow - pittsburgh penguins: captain jack would already be a pirates fan, so why wouldn't he like the hockey team in pittsburgh as well? look, it was either captain jack or the bud ice penguins (hmm... so that's what johnny knoxville was doing before jackass), so cut me some slack.



snake plissken - new york islanders: speaking of the bud ice penguins, doobie-doobie-doo plays goalie for the islanders. anyway, i know snake already escaped from New York once, but i'm sure if the islanders were in the playoffs, maximum security prison would've been much more tolerable.




john mcclane - new york rangers: most people aren't aware of this, but the first thing that mark messier screamed out loud when the rangers won the stanley cup back in 1994 was, "yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" okay, that's not true, but if john mcclane was there, it would be.



beatrix kiddo - buffalo sabres: seeing as how beatrix slashes the crap out of people with some serious sword action, i think this one's pretty self explanatory. she was definitely a serious bad ass, and so are the sabres this year.



nada - ottawa senators: nada and the sens are a perfect match, because "nada" is exactly what the senators do during the playoffs. in fact, if the senators even make it past the second round of the playoffs, i'm sure all of their fans will be shouting, "they live!"



ben richards - atlanta thrashers: ben richards tore it up in the running man. "uplink underground, uplink underground. if you say that one more time, i'll uplink your ass, and you'll be underground!" okay, that had nothing to do with the atlanta thrashers, but who cares, you gotta love arnold...



ash - tampa bay lightning: "this is my boom stick!" thus, it only makes sense that ash would be a fan of the lightning. okay, well, maybe it would make more sense if they were called the tampa bay thunder, but just go with it, okay? the evil dead trilogy would want it that way. speaking of which, anyone else pumped about this movie, coming out later this year?




dutch - nashville predators: duh. like you didn't see this one coming. i just wish that nashville would get rid of that stupid sabre-toothed tiger logo, and replace it with the creature from the movie. additionally, they should hire jesse ventura as their spokesperson. oh, and also, they should leave nashville and move to hartford and change their name to the whalers and win the stanley cup.



alex murphy - detroit red wings: who else would you expect? that's right. motherfucking robocop. this is detroit, after all. even john mcclane would be like, "i'll stand in harlem with a sandwich board on me that says 'i hate niggers,' but i'm not fucking going to detroit."



sean archer - vancouver canucks: basically, the canucks have two sides to them. they're good for about 50 minutes, and then they suck in the last half of the third period. just when you think they're going to win the game, they screw up and blow it at the end. on a completely separate note, i think this movie sucks. are you kidding me? 92%?!?!


casey ryback - calgary flames: because the calgary flames will be under seige throughout the entire series. also, half of the games are in detroit, which means that there will be octopi thrown all over the place, and since ryback is a cook, he'll be able to make some kick ass sushi.



ethan hunt - minnesota wild: because it's pretty much going to be frikkin' impossible for the wild to win the cup. then again, if i'm the anaheim ducks' goalie right now, i probably shouldn't ignore that slight ticking sound that i hear coming from the goal post...



howard the duck - anaheim ducks: duh.





corbin dallas - dallas stars: it's not as obvious as you think. i picked him because the NHL is run by an evil bastard played by gary oldman, er, i mean, bettman, and the vancouver canucks are a giant sphere of death, and jussi jokinen is really the fifth element, and he is going to save the universe from total destruction! so there!


martin brody - san jose sharks: yeah. okay. i know that the shark is martin brody's nemesis in the movie. but, as well all know, he makes the shark his bitch. so, at this point, the only person in the arena who should be worried is s.j. sharkie.
Posted by: jg / 2:19 AM  /  /
talk to me, dance with me
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blah, blah, blah...
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tv is more of a parent to me than you'll ever be
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when you go here, eat here
  • NEW HAVEN
  • frank pepe pizzeria napoletana -- pepe's makes the best pizza in the world. period. the pepperoni is orgasmic.
  • sally's apizza -- almost as good as pepe's.
  • modern apizza -- just face it, new haven = pizza mecca of the universe.
  • libby's italian pastry shop -- 20+ flavors of cannolis. plus italian ice and coffees. right next door to pepe's.
  • louis' lunch -- you can't get burgers like this anywhere else in the world. worth the wait. go ahead and ask for ketchup, i dare you...
  • delaney's taproom -- best beer selection in connecticut. unfortunately, worst jukebox.
  • athenian diner -- it's a diner. it's open 24 hours. you know the drill.
  • jimmie's of savin rock -- ah, the split hot dog. a childhood favorite. right on the beach.
  • c.o. jones -- burritos the size of your head for $4 and pitchers of margaritas. even ike turner can't beat that.
  • gastronomique -- hands down the biggest, fattest, tastiest hamburger i've ever had. awesome juices too. love this place.
  • miya's sushi -- really good stuff. great sushi, incredibly inventive, and house made sake! try the firecracker sake, infused with hot peppers. sooooo good.
  • sushi palace -- all you can eat for $16. fantastic quality & freshness. no joke. impossible to beat for the price.
  • rudy's -- a good beer selection and rockin' jukebox is nice, but they have belgian frites with all the dipping sauces you could ever want. need i say more?
  • liquid lunch -- 12 different homemade soups every day. awesome sammiches. definitely worth the ten minute trip to milford.
  • billy's old fashioned ice cream -- i had to give a little love to the town i grew up in. good ice cream, and the best damn bacon, egg and cheese i've ever had.
  • PHILLY
  • jim's steaks -- fuck geno, fuck pat, jim's i say is where it's at.
  • monk's cafe -- w/o question, my favorite place on the planet. incomparable beers, awesome fries, the best veal sausage sandwich you will ever eat in your life. quite simply, heaven on earth.
  • john's roast pork -- the best cheesesteak i've ever eaten. however, the roast pork sandwich is so good, why bother with a silly little cheesesteak?
  • lorenzo and sons pizza -- not the best pizza ever, but it's required after a long night of drinking. this place is an institution, for better or worse.
  • capogiro -- best gelato i've had anywhere in the US.
  • ishkabibble's -- excellent chicken cheesesteaks and the best cheese fries around. perfect on the go...
  • llanerch diner -- "the big L" for those of us who know it and love it. this place defies description. an experience all its own.
  • pop's italian ice -- this is "water ice." stop by the one in south philly for a pretzel and a blueberry water ice. YUM!
  • sugar mom's -- cool brick basement bar. good beers, good bar food, and good place to chill out and relax. had PBR on draft before it was the cool thing to do. one of the few places in philly you can still smoke in, if that's your thing.
  • standard tap -- this place totally rocks. great food. great beer. great people (if you like your sarcasm served raw).
  • mexican post -- rockin' margaritas that are dirt cheap. the food is also inexpensive and satisfying. fried ice cream for dessert! woo!
  • locust bar -- best dive bar in the illa.
  • the foodery -- the one in norhtern liberties is awesome, and, luckily, right across the street from standard tap. this is THE place for take home beer.
  • di bruno bros. -- cheese heaven. plus tons of awesome italian specialties and gourmet food. if you don't like this store, you have serious problems.
  • CHICAGO
  • adobo grill -- best. mexican. ever. yes it's gourmet and all that nonsense. i don't care. mind-blowing margaritas, guacamole made tableside, and the best coffee i've ever drank.
  • wildfire -- there are so many awesome steak places in chicago, it's hard to choose. i like this one b/c the food is excellent, the prices are reasonable, and, well, i worked here. oh, the memories... *sniff*
  • pizzeria uno & pizzeria due -- pretend for a second you've never heard of the chain, b/c the two sister restaurants in chicago are so much better that it's sad they're even related to the rest of 'em.
  • goose island brew pub -- located all over chicago, and with good reason. lively atmosphere, tasty microbrews, and some pretty darn good grub to boot. great place to watch a baseball game.
  • green mill -- they don't get much more famous than this place. people have been coming here for almost 90 years for a reason. an absolute must.
  • cafe ba-ba-reeba -- schmeriously delicious tapas overwhlem you, until you've drank so much sangria that you're no longer able to identify what an orange looks like.
  • daily bar & grill -- "the daily" is perfect for a small group of peeps just wanting to grab some drinks, chill the fuck out, and sit in a big red booth. love this place!
  • the lucky strike -- totally rad bowling/billiards bar. i didn't think i'd like it as much as i did, so go inside and check it out no matter what your first impressions might be!
  • bar louie -- i know they're a big ol' chain now, but the bar on chicago ave. is still as dark and smoky as i remember it. need a killer po' boy at 3:30 am? this is the place.
  • the weiner circle -- just click on the link and read the quotes. i can't describe it any better than that...
  • any local neighborhood hot dog place -- it doesn't matter where you go. these little shops are everywhere. how do you know if you're in the right place? if it costs more than $4 for two dogs and an order of fries, go somewhere else!
  • VANCOUVER (yes. the one in canada.)
  • brickhouse -- without a doubt, the best bar in vancouver. that's b/c nobody knows about it. you'll just have to go there. trust me. i mean, they have a whalers jersey hanging from the ceiling. 'nuff said.
sure sign that i'm maturing
  • i'm now a licensed real estate agent in the state of connecticut. if you're looking to buy or sell any real estate, you have to use me or you will die a slow, painful, horrible death.
i watch a lot of movies
  • pineapple express -- hilarious. i hardly stopped laughing the entire movie.
  • memento -- i admit, it loses something with repeated viewings, but it's still a fantastic movie.
  • superbad -- michael cera is one funny mofo.
  • indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull -- i don't care what anyone says, i liked it.
  • nacho libre -- as a movie it's completely stupid, but funny enough that it's worth watching if it comes on while flipping through the channels.
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